Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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