So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
