I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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