my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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