I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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