I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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