Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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