I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think my vagina is haunted
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
