Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
