I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
