i just google imaged poop.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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