I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
