thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
