what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
