Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
