i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
