so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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