Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
