No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
