he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
