On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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