no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
