If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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