I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
