I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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