his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
