He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You are the jesus of drinking
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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