A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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