trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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