connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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