I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
wakey wakey hands off snakey
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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