I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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