I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
