Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
