I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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