dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
