What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
