You really coming over, don't trick.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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