So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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