Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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