If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
