theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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