can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
