I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
