we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
