Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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