Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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