remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
