The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
