he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
