I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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